The Tortoise and the Eagle

"Now consider the tortoise and the eagle.

HI!

The tortoise is a ground-living creature. It is impossible to live nearer the ground without being under it. Its horizons are a few inches away. It has about as good a turn of speed as you need to hunt down a lettuce. It has survived while the rest of evolution flowed past it by being, on the whole, no threat to anyone and too much trouble to eat.

And then there is the eagle. A creature of the air and high places, whose horizons go all the way to the edge of the world. Eyesight keen enough to spot the rustle of some small and squeaky creature half a mile away. All power, all control. Lightning death on wings. Talons and claws enough to make a meal of anything smaller than it is and at least take a hurried snack out of anything bigger.

And yet the eagle will sit for hours on the crag and survey the kingdoms of the world until it spots a distant movement and then it will focus, focus, focus on the small shell wobbling among the bushes down there on the desert. And it will leap…

And a minute later the tortoise finds the world dropping away from it. And it sees the world for the first time, no longer one inch from the ground but five hundred feet above it, and it thinks: what a great friend I have in the eagle.

And then the eagle lets go.

And almost always the tortoise plunges to its death. Everyone knows why the tortoise does this. Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off. No one knows why the eagle does this. There’s good eating on a tortoise but, considering the effort involved, there’s much better eating on practically anything else. It’s simply the delight of eagles to torment tortoises.

But of course, what the eagle does not realize is that it is participating in a very crude form of natural selection.

One day a tortoise will learn how to fly."

-Terry Pratchett

Small Gods

Your Server Hates You

Your server hates you.

It may sound a little harsh, but it's the truth. If it makes you feel any better, it's nothing personal. These poor people are overworked, underpayed, very underappreciated, and have to regularly deal with some of the most demanding, self-centered and deluded people on Earth, both at the table and in the kitchen, and are expected to do it all with a smile.

How do I know this? Because I am one.

I think that one of the biggest issues with servers (and even the restaurant industry as a whole) is that there are a lot of misconceptions that people have about the industry. One of the biggest confusions that people have is on the subject of gratuity. Let me lay a few things out for you good folks.

A statement that I hear all the time is: Waiters already make minimum wage. Why should I give them extra for doing their job?

Most famously...

Truthfully, when you think about it that way, it kind of makes sense. If these people make the federal minimum, why would they be entitled to extra money? Pay for the meal, thank the server, and be on your way, right?

Slow your roll, there, folks. This statement (and Mr. Pink) makes one hell of an error in assumption: that servers make minimum wage.

In the United States, we have something called 'Federal Minimum Wage.' this is the minimum amount that an employer must, by law, pay their hourly employees, which at the moment sits at $7.25 per hour. Different states may have different laws regarding their own minimum wage, but regardless of what the state law is, you cannot pay your employees less than the federal minimum.

It's still not really enough to live on, but it's something...

In the states of Alaska, California, Minnesota, Montana, Nevada, Oregon and Washington, this is true for every employer in every industry. However, in the other 43 states in the union and every U.S. territory except Guam (read: most of the country) there is a distinction between hourly employees and tipped employees.

An exception to the minimum wage law in these states basically says that if you make tips as an employee, your employer does not have to pay you Federal minimum wage. They only have to pay you enough to make up the difference between your tips and the federal minimum. Most employers exploit this exception to the fullest, usually paying their tipped employees less than $3 an hour. (My hourly rate of pay in Wisconsin, for example, is $2.33 per hour. I'm expected to make enough in tips to get it up to $7.25 per hour) There are some exceptions to this law, but we'll get to those in a minute.

Well, that's okay, isn't it? I mean, you're still making minimum wage in the end, aren't you?

Umm...not really, no. I mean, yes, if the tips are consistent from day to day, then the math works out and you wind up taking home close to minimum wage.

I searched 'consistency' in Google images, and this popped up.
I'm not sure what this means, but I do know I want cake now...

The problem with that is that gratuity is never consistent. What happens if it's a slow night? The Super Bowl, the Stanley Cup and the World Series are notoriously slow nights for restaurants like Red Lobster, Olive Garden, and pretty much anywhere else that isn't a sports bar. And it's not just sporting events; if there's some big event happening in town, or if the weather's terrible, or any number of other factors can make for a dead restaurant. What do your servers do then? With no tables to serve, there are no tips to make, and your servers are stuck making three dollars an hour.

There's also the issue of restaurant goers just being cheap.

'You gave such great service, young man. Here's a nice tip for you.'

In the United States, it is generally considered acceptable to tip your server or bartender 15 - 20% of your total bill. I tried to find out why this number is significant, but I couldn't find anything. (I suppose it's just a social norm by now) Anyway, this means that on a $20 check, the accepted tip is $3-4, on a $50 check, $8-10 is decent, and on a $100 check, $15-20 is acceptable. And many of the people that go to restaurants understand this.

However, it's not at all an uncommon thing for diners to leave far less than 15%. There have regularly been times where I've served tables whose bill has wound up being $80 or more, and have been left five dollars (or even less) as a tip. That's a little more than 6%. And the thing about large bills is that it means a lot of work for servers: fancy drinks, many refills, bread, salads, appetizers, entrees, desserts and take-out containers for 4-6 people. On top of those diners, servers can have anywhere from 3-6 other tables that they're serving, which means that they're running laps around the restaurant making sure that everything is kosher for all their tables. That's an awful lot of work for very little money, and crappy tips just make the job worse.

Part of this phenomenon, I suppose, is the 'Mr. Pink Theory' that I described above. People tip less because they don't think it's right to give too much extra money to someone for doing their job. On the other hand, it could just be that people are stingy bastards, in which case, learn to cook for yourself and stop going to restaurants, you cheap jerk.

And whatever asshole left this card in place of a tip deserves to have
toothpicks shoved under each and every one of his fingernails and toenails.

Anyway, moving on.

Okay, so you don't make much money as a server. At least you make something, right? You take something home each week in your paycheck, don't you?

Nope.

See, here's another thing about those tips we were talking about: they're considered taxable income. Every penny of the tips that I receive must be declared at the end of the night. So the government takes those tips into account when they're calculating my tax amount. Since taxes and social security is taken directly from my paycheck before I am paid, and since the $2.33 I make an hour is just enough to cover those taxes and withholdings, my hourly paycheck turns out to be a total of zero dollars and zero cents.

Yes, that's right. You read that correctly. My past 5 months worth of paychecks have been for nothing.

And that's not the worst part, either. Quite often, the $2.33 per hour is not enough to cover taxes and withholdings, which means that, come tax time, many servers and bartenders wind up owing money to the IRS.

Even worse than that, in some places in the United States (like Baltimore, for instance) servers and bartenders can be held financially liable for any service mistakes. That means that if a server spills a drink, or if a steak is cooked incorrectly, or if the customer forgets to tell the server that they are allergic to an ingredient and their meal has to be remade, then the server must pay full price for the wasted food. At the end of the night, it's possible for a server to actually owe the restaurant money.

It's like robbery, only legal.

I mentioned that there were exceptions to the minimum wage vs. tipped laws, and there are. If a tipped employee spends 20% or more of their work day (basically 1 out of every 5 hours) doing work outside of table service (like cleaning the restroom, stocking glasses and take out containers, taking out the trash, rolling silverware, etc.) they are supposed to be paid the full minimum wage of $7.25. But it's far too much work for an employer to calculate how much of a server's work day is 'side work,' as it's called, so they just ignore the rule. (They conveniently forget to mention this little factoid to their employees) They also encourage their employees to do their side work during lulls in their shift, instead of at the end. That way, as long as the server still has tables that they're waiting on, the employer can count the time spent doing side work as table service time, exploit a loophole, and still pay less than $3 an hour.

Yes, it's an unfair system. Servers are treated like trash, paid far less than the poverty line, and are stuck in a position that they can't get out of. But there's not a whole lot I can do about it. If I've learned anything as a server, it's that nobody listens to servers. It would be really nice if the government would reform the laws of the service industry, but that probably won't happen. The government used to be for the people and by the people. Now it's all about corporations.

If I can do anything with this post, it would be to try to change the attitudes of restaurant goers.

Please treat your servers with respect. They're human beings, just like you. They're working long hours and in terrible conditions. They deserve a little kindness.

The Bridge

I read a story once of a man who was living in San Francisco. He committed suicide by throwing himself off of the Golden Gate Bridge into San Francisco Bay.

Later, when the police and medical examiners were gathering up the man's personal belongings at his apartment, they found a handwritten note on his bureau:

"I'm going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump."

-----

In November of this year, I sat on a bridge in Wisconsin with a gun in my hand. I sat there on the bridge for at least an hour. At least a dozen people walked past me in that time.

Not one of them tried to stop me.

-----

Here's to the new year. May she be a damned sight better than the old one.

Germany?

Ahoy, boys and girls. Captain Panda back again, after a good long hiatus from blogging.

Thanks, Webster...

For those of you that pay attention to me on Ye Olde Book of Faces, you'll know that...well...shit has been going down these past few weeks. I spent a little time in the hospital for suicidal tendencies, and I've been kind of on a slope downward since then.

I would go deeper into what it was that sent me to this place, but I don't really think that the one guy in Germany who reads my blog needs to know that. If you really want to know, you'll have to ask directly.

Deutschland? Ernst? Wer liest meinen Blog in Deutschland?

So, anyway, there's that. Crap's been happening. And you know, there's something that makes it a whole lot worse:

Back when I posted initially about the, well, 'incident' that put me in the hospital, there were a lot of people out there that came out of the woodwork and offered words of support and encouragement and, well, just general caring. And it helped a great deal, and for those of you that did, thank you all. I appreciate every single one of you beyond words.

However, there's something of a trend that I've observed: every single one of those people who offered their support has someone very special to them in their lives. Husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc.

And I don't have that.

Now, like I said, I'm not discounting them at all. I'm very grateful for all of it. But it's a lot easier to say that things will get better when you have someone like that standing by your side.

...what? No...*sigh*

Since the incident, I've really wanted nothing more than someone to talk to, and someone who would listen without pretense. Not even necessarily romantically (though it would be nice) more like a best friend, someone that I can call at 3 in the morning and talk to about anything and everything. A lot of people have offered that I can talk to them, but no one really knows me that well. It's awkward for me to talk to people about such personal things anyway, let alone someone who really doesn't know me.

Which, I suppose is part of the reason that it got so bad in the first place. Nobody to really talk to, so I internalize it. And that's not healthy.

So, I'm not sure of where I'll get to in the near future. I hope I'll be better, but I really don't know. Will I find a best friend? Will I find love? Will I overcome the demons that haunt me? Find out next time on...

What? No, dammit. I mean "Eats Shoots and Leaves." This blog thing that I do. Stupid dramatic side.

Until next time, boys and girls.

Also, seriously, who is reading my blog in Germany?

Pedestrian Traffic Flow

I hate department stores. And I'll tell you why.

Imagine the typical layout of a department store for a moment...

Yeah, I know it's a grocery store, but the principle's the same.

Notice that there are many different places for people to walk or push carts and strollers: big, wide lanes around the outer ring, many aisles containing many different foodstuffs, plus various alleys and shortcuts to different departments. Seems simple enough.

Now ask yourself this: does this setup remind you of anything?

Hmm?

It sure reminds me of a city road system. I mean, think about it: the larger lanes around the outside are the highways, the various aisles are the local streets, and the shortcuts are alleys and driveways. And that's how I tend to treat department stores.

Now, when we learn to drive, we learn that there are certain rules to driving, and a certain 'flow' that traffic must take.

Whoa...heavy, man.

Now, these rules, such as 'slower traffic stay to the right,' and 'don't come to a stop in the middle of an intersection,' help traffic to flow much safer and smoother, and (when they're followed, at least) help to prevent accidents and keep drivers happy and peaceful.

Until some asshole in a Prius cuts you off on an on-ramp, that is...

But for some stupid reason, when people get out of their cars, this concept of traffic flow just goes right out the fucking window.

In the department store, people are walking right towards each other in the same lane, blocking aisles with their carts while they wander off for orange juice, walking at a snail's pace down the middle of the aisle, preventing anyone else from going around them. Which seriously pisses me off.

And, see, this kind of inconsideracy is generally annoying anywhere, like parks, or sidewalks, or sculpture gardens, or other places like that. But when you're in a department store, or grocery store, that annoyance is exacerbated, because you're in a confined space. You don't have the option of cutting across the lawn or the street to get around the slow people.

Which is why the Minneapolis Skyway system frustrated me so much.

And the fact that some people out there just don't get it is what drives me crazy.

...

I feel better now.

Good night, boys and girls.

Just A Short Notice

Ahoy, boys and girls, Captain Panda here again, with just a short notice about the (potential) state of upcoming posts on Eats Shoots and Leaves:

If you'll notice...

I was diagnosed with clinical depression a few years ago (in case you couldn't already tell) Like many people who have clinical depression, my sad and lonely feelings tend to get worse during the winter months. I don't have Seasonal Affective Disorder or anything like that, it just seems to get worse when it gets colder. I don't know why, and I don't really care why. I just try to deal.

So, why am I telling you this? Well, unfortunately, as my depression gets worse, my posts will most likely get more depressing in direct proportion. It just kinda happens. I'll do my best to keep things as light-hearted and interesting as I can, but I won't be able to stop all of the depressing posts. Sorry. Fair warning.

So, that's all I have. Just wanted to put that out there. Until next time, boys and girls!

A Political Interlude: The Second Amendment

Ahoy there, boys and girls! Captain Panda here!

In just a few days, the people of the United States will come together and collectively choose the people who will run our great country for the next four years. Well, sort of. I mean, there's the whole thing about the popular vote, and the electoral college, and all that crap, which I don't really understand, and am not going to waste time on in this post. Unfortunately, since I'm currently living in fucking Wisconsin, I will be unable to vote this time around because I won't be able to make it back to my polling place, and was unable to make it to vote absentee.

And all I can do is watch and hope that this harmful amendment doesn't pass. Vote No.

In the weeks leading up to the elections, the amount of political ads have skyrocketed (as they always do) and we Americans have been bombarded with spinster messages and hateful ads trying to tell us who we should vote for. Like many, I am really sick of all of the political ads, and just want the election to be over so I don't have to hear about it anymore.

Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!

But I was watching a YouTube video recently, and an ad interrupted the video that caught my attention. It was an ad for some Wisconsin senatorial candidate, and was talking about how, in a recent Supreme Court vote, the Second Amendment to the Constitution was saved from repeal by only one vote.

Whether it's true or not, it scared the hell out of me.

Now, before you freak out, let me talk a little bit and explain.

I grew up in an outdoor family. We camped, we fished, and yes, we hunted. I've been around firearms for most of my life. I enjoy shooting, I own a couple of guns, and I know how to properly and safely handle firearms in general. And, yes, I support the Second Amendment.

But even if I didn't, the idea of repealing the Second Amendment would still scare me to death.

To understand what I'm talking about, let's look at the actual text of the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution:

There are two big reasons that this Amendment became controversial. Firstly, as the United States Armed Forces became larger and more well armed, the idea of a private militia became unnecessary. Since the Army has bases all over the country and modern transportation methods can get troops across the country in a matter of hours, our country is pretty well secured against outsiders.

The second reason is that, when the original amendment was drafted, firearms were still rather primitive. The standard issue weapon for the British Army at the time was the Brown Bess Musket.

Six feet long, .75 caliber. Kinda scary.

The Brown Bess was a single shot weapon with a smooth bore. This meant that the shot was not very accurate and took a full minute to reload. Which is fine if that's all you have.

But as technology and manufacturing improved, firearms began to improve as well. We soon went from single-shot weapons to revolvers, repeating rifles, semi-automatics, and eventually full-auto firearms.

Like this .50 caliber M2 Browning machine gun. Gosh, it's pretty.

With that kind of firepower available, people started to ask, "Why would a private citizen need anything like that? Why do private citizens need guns at all?" And so, the arguments began, and the Second Amendment is in jeopardy.

But here's the thing that scares me: the Second Amendment doesn't say anything about 'firearms.'

Here, read it again:

Does the word 'firearms' appear anywhere in this amendment? No. All it talks about is '...the right to keep and bear arms...'

Now let me expand on why it terrifies me:

Imagine for a moment, that sometime in the near future, the Second Amendment is repealed, and private citizens are forced to surrender their guns.

Now imagine that some smart-ass politician realizes that the wording of the Second Amendment doesn't specify firearms. What's to stop him from deciding that it is illegal to own any sort of weapon?

Now citizens are being forced to surrender pocket knives, kitchen knives, baseball bats, golf clubs, tennis rackets, hatchets, axes, hand saws, chainsaws, crowbars, pry bars, household chemicals, paperweights and anything else that could cause harm to another human being.

She's got heavy books! Get her!

Go ahead and call me paranoid if you want to, but this sort of thought process has happened all over the world many times before.

Like this...

Or this...

It's just one step on the way to tyranny. And that, dear readers, is why the idea of repealing the Second Amendment terrifies me.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled light-hearted programming.

The resemblance is uncanny...